A Letter Addressed ‘Dear Reader’

Dear Reader

For those of you who don’t know me allow me to introduce myself.

My name is Noor Dean Bawarish.

Among other things, I write.

I stopped writing in August 2018, and I left twitter at the same time, despite making a lot of virtual buddies and having good potential grow my account.

Why would I do such a thing and hinder my progress?

For what?

Read on.

This has been playing on my mind and I wanted to get it out there.

But first, let me tell you why I joined.

On 17th July 2018 I was on holiday in Istanbul with my family, and frankly I was bored.

Flipping through twitter like I always did I had a thought.

I had always been on twitter as a consumer and I felt like it was either time to leave… or turn into a content producer. I said screw it and made the switch.

I deleted my personal twitter that was filled with memes and sports and mindless entertainment and made a new one with one goal in mind:

I wanted to put on my tutu and dance on the stage with the other ballerinas, not carry on sitting in the audience and watching like I had always done. It felt good. Taking action feels good.

I made sure to follow certain twitter accounts that were gold.

I created a twitter handle: @anAPEXmale. I made sure my bio reflected my intentions.

My motto was Efficient, Extroverted, Epistemophile and let me tell you I was incredibly proud of that one. It my message to the world. And sounded cool.

So I began, engaging others in conversation and talking about things I knew and was interested in. I reached out to others in the space whose content I liked, networking. I messaged everyone who followed and formed connections.

I met some amazing people including some of who I kept in touch with to this day.

I tweeted about a multitude of things, and yet had no idea in which direction I wanted to take it yet.

Then I (virtually) met an influential renaissance man whom I became good friends with during my time on twitter and he suggested I start a blog, so I did. I wrote and I wrote and I wrote.

You liked the first one

And the next

And the next

I was ecstatic, I felt like I was on a roll. My ego hit the roof. I was doing something meaningful.

For the first time in a long time I was making a difference in other people’s lives, and I did not want to stop.

I wrote about my experiences, anything and everything I could think of, and I tied it all to the sub-niche I felt most passionate about: lifting men up from the dark and into the light.

There is a quote that goes something like: The people that laugh the most tend to be the saddest. Because they think that by changing the outside you can change the inside.

But no.

Change is internal.

And I was about to find out.

Little did I know just how dark the dark could be.

My ‘Why’

Something didn’t feel right.

I came back from my holiday I was hit with all the pressures of the world. And I realised why I had been a content consumer and not a producer for all this time. I understood why most people can never be producers and why most preferred to sit on the side lines and consume the content of other producers.

And there is nothing wrong with that. Of course, many are just not interested in producing and are happy and content with their jobs. But for those who wish they could just do it I’m talking to you.

It’s okay to sit on the side-lines if you’re sure that’s what you want.

But it’s not what I wanted.

And it might not be what you want either.

You see I couldn’t carry on with the writing.

Tweeting became a chore. Likes and retweets became my fuel and I was addicted like a drug addict eyes wide like dinner plates, brow sweating from lack of crack, they call him crack-lack and he lurks around in the moonlight searching for his fix.

I wanted my account to blow up. I was not enjoying the process. I realized that this feeling was not what I wanted.

I couldn’t do it anymore.

So I quit.

On Quitting

I hate excuses.

I was planning on revealing 5 ‘valid’ reasons why I quit.

But reading over them as I write this piece I realise that the best thing I can do is just to admit the truth.

I felt like a fraud. A cloud of authenticity followed me around and every decision felt weighted on my conscience.

I felt guilty because I would tell others to do things I did not yet do.

I talked about a lot of things, too many things and when I wasn’t writing I wasted the bulk of my free time on twitter.

I hated that.

And I couldn’t do it.

You see I wasn’t living in the real life.

I was in ‘The Vortex’.

The Vortex

The Vortex is a folder in my phone that contains all of my social media apps.

I recently did this because I found that when I enter one of these apps, I disappear for a minimum 10-15 minutes jumping from one video to the next, responding here and writing here.

Some cute dog video gets my attention. Then the football scores and oh the highlights too? I wonder what exactly Stacey from marketing tagged me in.

Further and further down the rabbit hole.

Don’t get me wrong.

There are fantastic ways to use social media. And there are less-good ways to use social media.

Sadly, most of us use social media to consume our time and attentions spans.

I am no exception.

The one ‘excuse’ I will mention is within context.

Its one thing to quit twitter.

But why stop writing?

I had a negative mindset and it stopped me from going for what I wanted. I knew the things I was doing were bad for me but I kept doing them anyway. My head wasn’t right. It took significant effort on my behalf to flip my mindset from what it was to what it is now.

I can hear it in my old posts.

I was so negative.

Nothing nihilistic thank God. But a lot of bitterness and thoughts I am not proud of.

I am happy to say that now I have flushed it all out.

I got out and you can too. Simply make a decision. It does not have to be as extreme as what I did but the benefits you will feel are massive. Most importantly you will have better conversation with the people you love and that is worth its weight in gold.

It helps to substitute social media with something.

I write every day.

In fact, I have done so for about a month now since I finished my university exams.

And I am better for it.

Writing is my outlet.

I love to write and it feeds me.

If I do not write I get a feeling; like when you want to say something in a conversation, but you don’t know when to butt in. You’ve missed your chance and you can never say what you wanted now because the conversation has moved on.

Ugh. Hate that feeling.

My creativity has increased.

I found my ‘why’.

I viciously murdered the person I used to be and since then much has changed.

The way I see it it had made me strong. And given me a lot to write about.

So write I will.

No more do pressures affect and hurt me like they did. I have regained control of my entire presence and demeanour and I have slain the daunting demons that haunted the air I breathed. Their wispy fingers would grasp at my alveoli like straws. The shrieking dragons of regret have been slayed with the sword of gratitude and I broke free of the proverbial shackles that bound me for too long and stopped me from fulfilling my true potential. I have separated my wants from my needs and brutally murdered my ego clubbing him to death on the prayer mat. I grab a sharp Norseman’s axe and decapitate the hydra of addiction and put my body through the wringer and I’m not done yet.

But I’m done for now.

It’s good to be back.

Yours sincerely,

Noor

(Featured Image Credit: https://www.icollector.com/Mary-Queen-of-Scots_i12846334 )

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